If you want to know love for the long-haul in any relationship, then you and your partner have to have the capacity and skills needed to use all your moral, material, financial, intellectual, relational, and spiritual resources to support each partner to be authentically themselves. True love comes with radically daring to be who you are and supporting your partner to do the same!
Most of us, started distancing ourselves from any sense of authenticity when we were young. We were taught our parent's, or our church's, or Hollywoods idea of what relationships were supposed to look like. Those definitions of relationships were pretty shallow and based on surface features of a relationship - what you looked like, what money you had, what job you had, what car you drove, what neighborhood you lived in or where you went to church.
External success by societal standards was the relationship game. If you were going to be loved, know you belonged, and be accepted you had to have all the stuff, sustain the stuff, and get more stuff all the time!
Most of us were taught (baby boomers and older for sure) that if you had all the stuff that was the guarantee that you would know love and live happily ever after. Yet, creating relationships where we live happily ever after are very elusive and hard to find.
91% of us have left one relationship and 64% of us have left two or more relationships no matter the stuff we had acquired. So regardless of the stuff we aren't growing closer together we are coming a part. What is that all about?
In the end, loving and being loved, isn't about stuff. You get to know love when the stuff, no matter how much or little you have, is used to support each individual to be who he or she is! A lack of love is what is experienced when we aren't able to be authentic. To know love we have to be who we are and we have to support our partners to be who they know themselves to be in our relationships. Authenticity equals love.
So what do you do when you are done with relationship being about stuff and want to get real and be authentically you? Answer: you and your partner have to decide if you want to do the work of using your combined resources to get real and be authentic or not.
First, you have to stop playing the exhausting acquisition of stuff game. Why? Because is not fulfilling nor will it by itself sustain your relationship for the long run. Yes you need some stuff, but what you really need is enough stuff to be who you really are. When it gets down to it, most people have way more than enough stuff and are taxed by the time and care it takes to maintain it all. Don't wait til you are old to down-size, right-size now and share what you don't need with others who don't have as much!
Second, you have to be willing to reveal who you are to your partner - to tell the truth. Getting real means accepting because you were playing the relationship in a box game - not being who you really were - you sometimes went along to get along. We've all been pretenders if we're honest. Truth is you didn't know what else to do. You didn't know there were other options. You really believed this is what you had to do to have a relationship with the hope that love would be the result.. Sometimes you said yes instead of no or you told your partner one thing and did another. It's tough admittting to our inauthenticity, yet sooooo relaxing to finally own up, stop keeping secrets, and let it all go to be real.
Third, you have to be willing to forgive yourself and your partner for your previous incapacity to live into the truth of who you are. You were both playing the same game and neither of you are any better than the other. You each did your part. It is true that it takes at least two to tango! Ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness - let the past go and create a real future that works for you to be who you are.
Fourth, you have to risk putting who you are on the table and learn to love again in deeper ways by creating a conscious relationship where your combined resources are used to support each other in being who you truly are. A bigger and deeper love is on the other side of doing this work!
Until we learn to love ourselves as we authentically are and use the stuff of our relationship to insure that each person (not just one or a few) gets to be supported to realize his or her inborn potential, the love we crave will never be fulfilled. We know the love is there to be had and we've tasted it here and there. Now is the time to dare to love in a bigger, deeper, and much better way.
QUESTIONS NUMBER 1 AND 2
1) Would you be amazed to find out that the juiciness and deep satisfaction of your sex life depends on your ability to heal Stressful Relationship Syndrome (SRS) whenever you experience it?
2) Did you know that it is common for you and your relationship partner(s) to experience SRS at least two to three times a week?
SRS causes an energy leak in your relationship and exhausts you rather than gives you life - something you need if great sex is going to be experienced. Yet, most people are not aware that this syndrome is happening and that it has a name!
What is Stressful Relationship Syndrome?
SRS is when you and/or your partner experience painful and negative stress-filled conversations and life conditions. It's happens most often when you experience a change in your needs and expectations about some life situation. You are thrown into the unknown and you don't know what to do. All you know is that something no longer works and you aren't able to find an immediate way to a positive and constructive solution.
When experiencing SRS, it is common to choose to express destructive emotions like anger, rage, depression, vengeance, or to withhold love and attention, which unfortunately, only creates more separation between you and your partner. The painful feeling of SRS is so uncomfortable that you may even feel like you and your partner are strangers that never really met before.
The very sad news is that if you and your partner don't know how to heal Stressful Relationship Syndrome, it is likely that eventually, after a few unresolved experiences of SRS, you will naturally start to think about getting away from your partner in order to reduce the level of stress, distrust, and anxiety you are experiencing. You certainly won't be headed for the bedroom. Frankly, Stressful Relationship Syndrome is a turn off not a turn on!
Literally, you, like all other people, can only take so much negative stress before you act out by checking out - leaving the relationship in someway whether physically, psychologically and/or emotionally. Negative stress is a relationship killer.
QUESTION NUMBER 3
3. Would it surprise you to know that 64% of people have left two or more relationships due to some form of negative stress that had become intolerable? Voila - Stressful Relationship Syndrome!
What most people don't know is that a root cause of unhappiness is not getting essential needs met through human relationship interactions. Relationships are the vehicle through which needs get met that is why we crave them. Love blooms and sex is good when our needs are met!
You have to get your essential needs met in order to sustain a life-giving, loving, sexually nourishing and soul-fulfilling life. Not getting your needs met causes negative stress and the longer your needs go unmet, the more separation you will experience in your intimate relationships. It is natural to go away from that which does not generate pleasure and to go towards that which does!
Listen - you can go without getting your needs met for a while but eventually due to experiencing Stressful Relationship Syndrome, you will act out destructively in some way. The impulse of evolution will always keeping pulling you forward to manifest your full potential through relationships where you get your unique needs get met!
Therefore, learning how to effectively meet individual needs - yours and your partner's - is the juice that generates the feelings of care, consideration and connection that sustain invigorating and meaningful sex in the bedroom and support you to co-create a relationship that lasts for the long-haul. Everyone deserves to get his or her needs met in and through their relationships. Let me show you how!
QUESTION NUMBER 4:
If it is true that your relationship dissatisfaction is caused by your experiencing Stressful Relationship Syndrome (SRS) because your needs aren't being met, I wonder, how much would it be worth to you, if you could learn to deal with and heal Stressful Relationship Syndrome - in as little as 90 days or less?
CHECK OUT THE ONLINE FIX IT FAST 4 WEEK PROGRAM designed to help you identify and heal Stressful Relationship Syndrome so you can experience the hot, sexy, deep and meaningful relationship you deserve!
Hope to see you soon to FIX IT FAST!
If you are you, please know you aren’t alone! The good news is there are things you can do to cool the heat of the syndrome!
Stressful Relationship Syndrome is where two or more people are experiencing a high level of negative stress or drama in their relationship and feel powerless about making any positive or forward progress. When you experience the syndrome, you will feel stuck, frustrated and angry – and that is an appropriate response!
Most people experience SRS in three ways. Which one is showing up in your life today?
Stressful Relationship Syndrome (SRS) is experienced by all human beings, almost every day. SRS is what makes relationships so painful, traumatic, demanding, and nerve-racking. Yet, most people think their relationship problems are just about their partner’s when at root it is the syndrome that is wreaking havoc day to day.
SRS in its most horrific form’s, can result in people committing acts of terrorism and acts of emotional, psychological, sexual and physical abuse in their relationships at home and work. If not consciously healed, overtime SRS will inevitably lead to divorce, separation, resignation and loss of jobs. People choose out of relationships all the time because they don’t know how to identify the syndrome and deal with it in healthy ways.
Learning the difference between healthy and unhealthy ways to respond to the experience of Stressful Relationship Syndrome is one of the best ways to become consciously aware and choose into healthy responses. Learning how to respond in healthy ways is what makes it possible to sustain relationships for the long-haul – whether with your spouse, your family, your kids, your co-workers and yes, even with your boss!
At the Foxworth Institute for Relationship Education we “Make Your Life Better” by giving you the tools you need to respond to Stressful Relationship Syndrome in a healthy way. In future articles, we will do more to inform about what you can do to relieve the stress of the syndrome in healthy ways. In the meantime, please go to www.instituteforrelationshipeducation.com for more information.